Marital Singleness

Recently my marriage has had issues and struggles. As my husband and I begin the healing process and the really tough road to reconciliation, I hear the words from his mouth..."we have nothing in common." We don't-we have nothing in common other than being created by the Lord.

I have thought about those words so much since he said them.  Should I be hurt by them?  Should I take them as we don't belong together? Why would God want me to stay in a marriage with someone I have nothing in common with?

It's kind of ironic that someone from church would hand me a book last night and ask me to read it.  The purpose was so that I could give an opinion on whether it would make a good class for, possibly, the youth. The book is titled "Single, Married, Separated and Life after Divorce."

The person that handed me the book had no idea I was struggling with the phrase that came from my husband's mouth. God and His perfect timing always amaze me.  He knew the questions I had and how to answer them through one of my favorite past times-reading.

I hadn't gotten very far in the book before I felt led to share what I have read.  I will summarize. The first chapter talks about being single versus being alone.  Being single in today's society carries a stigma with it.  To be single says you can't find a mate which apparently means you are a loser. What??? No wonder we have so many divorces. Single, to most, means being alone.

As I read this I thought about what my husband said.  For the past 17 years I have been my husband's wife or girlfriend.  I did what he wanted, when he wanted to and just went along with his likes and dislikes.  I never had a problem with it because somewhere along the way I lost MY identity. I found myself believing that I had to be with him and do the things he wanted in order to be happy.  Being individual was not my cup of tea.

It's crazy but as I write this I think about brussel sprouts and broccoli. As a child I never got to eat those vegetables because my mom didn't like them.  I was, essentially, forced to conform to her likes and dislikes. I LOVE those veggies now.  I feel I have missed out for a long time.  But you see what I am talking about? By no fault of my mom did I miss out.  She just didn't think I would like them since she didn't.

When we conform to the likes and dislikes of other people instead of being who God wants us to be-unique and special-we miss out on things. We can't look at being different as a bad thing.  Not having anything in common is actually a good thing. It can expand our lives as a couple.  Being capable if being single, even within the marriage, is healthy.

Just because my husband and I have nothing in common doesn't mean we can't find common ground in joining each other in our individual likes.  We can teach each other and expand horizons.  How awesome!! I might teach him to enjoy reading one day! Doubtful...

The book that I am reading refers to how God created Adam and then gave him Eve as a helper.  He made them individually, giving them individual likes and dislikes. If God had made everyone alike, how boring would this world be!?! The author of the book also points out the fact that we all have different fingerprints and DNA.  Clearly, God wanted us to be individuals, right?

As we look for a spouse or work on the marriage or relationship we are already in, be yourself.  Find your own identity and be you.  If I had been me from the beginning, I would like to think that my marriage would not be struggling.  The shock of us having nothing in common would not be a shock. 

When we find our identity and learn that being single, even in a marriage, is not the same as being alone...good things will happen.  Bad things happen when we start to think that our happy has to come from our spouse or mate.  When they aren't around we can be trapped into feeling lonely and caught of guard by Satan's lies and deceptions.

I am praying that God will, not only restore but, renew my marriage.  I feel He is bringing me back to individuality in order to make me who He originally planned for me to be.  My husband liked and fell in love with me as an individual, God knows that.  He is restoring me and my marriage. Ha!